Wednesday Football: In a blizzard. Uphill. Both ways.

Why, when I was a teenager, I did all my calculus homework on a slide rule.  Outside, while walking two miles through a meter of snow to my school-bus stop.  Uphill, both ways.

That statement is silly, of course, but not much more ridiculous than Pennsylvania governor Ed Rendell's ill-considered criticism of this week's postponement of the Vikings-Eagles game.  For me, broadly speaking, it's what Tom Kinslow said over at Bleacher Report.  And that's as many column millimeters as I want to blow on this.

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2010 fantasy football wrap:  Well, the third time was indeed the charm, and that was bad news for the Fluttering Horde.  I did what I could, and even made up for Andre Johnson's last minute injury, but my running backs and tight end failed me.  Even if they hadn't, Anything But Last had just too much firepower.  After beating ABL twice during the regular season, the Horde lost the league championship, 122-96.  Still, for a team that never got two decent running backs together all season long, and finished 9-7, I'm pretty freakin' happy.  More importantly, it got me a 3:1 payoff and fantasy silver.  Yay, Horde!

The Middlemen also finished 9-7, pounding the Juken' Jockstraps, 127-68, in its fifth-place game.

My most valuable players:

• For the Fluttering Horde:  For the second year in a row, St. Louis wideout Danny Amendola saved my skin.  At the beginning of the year, the Rams tried to make him a full-time receiver, so I didn't draft him.  Soon enough, though, the Rams made him their lead kick returner.  I picked him up, and he delivered 10-18 points week in and week out.  No one was more reliable.
• For the Middlemen:  Chicago running back Matt Forte also gave me solid numbers every week, even as everyone else on the team, including the much-ballyhooed Chris Johnson, sputtered.

I'm going to try to get them both next year.

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A picture of justice

You know what the best thing about the World Cup is? The best team usually wins the final!

In the NBC photo above, Andres Iniesta is the man in navy blue, celebrating the game-winning goal in extra time of the 2010 World Cup Final.  I don't know who the flustered Dutchman is, and frankly, I don't care.  At the end of 120 minutes, Spain prevailed, 1-0, over the Netherlands.  ¡Viva la Fúria Roja!  All hail Spain!

Much will be made of the lack of scoring from the new champions.  La Fúria only scored eight goals in their seven matches, and they even opened with a 1-0 loss to the Swiss.  They didn't have the best defense in South Africa (that would be Paraguay, Spain's quarterfinal victim), but it was more than good enough to frustrate the field.

As for the Oranje:  they have turned out to be world soccer's answer to the Pat Riley Knicks.  Let me explain.  Back in the 1990s, having taken over the ailing NBA team in New York City, Riley realized that (a) while he had talent, he didn't have enough to overcome the Jordan-Jackson Bulls and (b) Knicks management would never give him enough.  His answer?  Turn the Knicks into a team so physical, it could just bully its way into the NBA Finals.  At that, he succeeded -- but in the process, he literally set the entire Eastern Conference back a decade.

I think that's what happened to Holland this weekend.  Seeing no hope of overcoming Spain's superior personnel, Dutch coach Dirk van Marwijk had his players turn violent, collecting yellow cards and pulling crap like the assault at the right.  In this picture from ABC, Nigel de Jong delivers a flying kick to the chest of Spain's Xabi Alonso.  (I'm not exaggerating; it was a flying kick straight from a martial-arts movie.)  For that crime, de Jong got only a yellow card instead of the red that should've been handed him.

The word "crime" pretty much describes the Dutch effort today, including their complaints about the officiating.  Excuse me?  You guys turn the World Cup final into a bad MMA fight, and then turn around cry about anything?  Here's hoping that doesn't fly any higher in the Netherlands that it is anywhere else.

Ian Darke, I take back some of my screed against you yesterday.  The real disgrace was the Oranje today.  I'm so glad they lost, Scooter can hear me purr.

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Can we deport Ian Darke already?

Presented for your approval: Luis Suárez, Uruguayan striker and, as of this World Cup, The Most Despised Man in Africa.  Commentators have rightly noted that, unseemly as it was, the hand ball against Ghana was perfectly legal.  No right-thinking field player in Suárez's impossible position (not even in Africa) would have hesitated to at least attempt what he did.  As it was, the red card he earned, also rightly, will go down as one of the greatest personal sacrifices in soccer history.

At the same time, though, I saw was nothing wrong with African fans constantly showering him with boos, as they did in Satuday's third-place match against Germany.  It wasn't as though in the first round, prior to That Hand Ball, a despicable Suárez dive hadn't tricked the referee into ejecting South Africa keeper Itumelng Khune.  Hell, that flop would have embarrassed Vlade Divac.

Which brings me to Ian Darke, who covered, among others, the USA World Cup matches for American TV.  I found him tolerable to watch until he went off on the South African fans for booing Súarez.  "Disgreaceful"?  "A lack of understanding of the game"?  He meant to insult Africans with teabagger-worthy phrases like those, but all Darke really did was describe himself.  Perhaps he should get out of England more.  In the rest of the world, singling specific players out for jeering is a time-honored tradition.  It's reserved for players who've committed egregious offenses against the home team.  (That means you, Chris Pronger, bane of all right-thinking NHL fans.)  Whatever else he did, Luis Suárez surely fit that profile.  The other fact Darke missed with his proto-colonialist missives was the fact that no human can simultaneously (a) boo Suárez and (b) blow on a damned vuvuzela.  That, of course, was a favor for everyone but Darke.

ESPN dramatically improved its World Cup coverage, finally giving the event the respect it deserves.  Heck, apart from Darke, it even made it safe to watch English-language soccer telecasts in North America.  But while they're washing off all the Gulf Coast oil from the punking they took from LeBron (the Impostor) James this week, perhaps ESPN executives can take a little time to hand Ian Darke a red card.

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Obligatory comment on the games:  There wasn't a lot to say about the semifinals. The Netherlands' win over Uruguay was no surprise, nor Spain's victory over a German squad that definitely missed Thomas Müller.  The real surprise was that, though shut down on Wednesday night, it was der Mannschaft, not the Brazilians, who played the prettiest football of the tournament.  (Sure, England and Argentina helped, but still... .)

Regarding tomorrow's final:  as the U.S. team constantly allowed fatal early goals, the Netherlands have allowed silly goals late.  Spain will see to it that that will undo the Dutch, probably in the 84th minute or so.

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World Cup quarterfinal purring

So Germany blows Argentina halfway back across the Atlantic.

For once, loudmouthed Diego Maradona is at a loss for words.

 Purr, purr, purr!

And what'll you know?  Spain actually gets out of a quarterfinal stage!

The Tholians Paraguayans made them work, and there was that penalty-kick wackiness.

But finally, La Fúria are through to a luscious semifinal with der Mannschaft.

 Purr, purr, purr!

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Shoo, birds! This World Cup is for the kittens!

What? Brazil blew a halftime lead?

Yeah, thanks for nothing, Felipe Melo!

 Ghana missed a stoppage-time penalty kick?

Yeah, thanks for nothing, Asemoah Gyan!

(Though you did make up for it in the tiebreaker.)

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Well, it was a road game

This is the goal that sunk the U.S. team today.  Asamoah Gyan, the guy in the red and yellow stripes, got one past Tim Howard in the third minute of overtime.  From then until the 120' mark, all Ghana had to do was play keep-away.  Final score:  United States 1-2 Ghana.  With the neutrals cheering on the last surviving African side, we were as screwed as I thought the last time I posted.

The sad part is that, hostile crowd aside, this was a game the Americans could've won -- if only they'd shown up on time.  Much has been made of coach Bob Bradley's ill-advised decision to start Ricardo Clark, but it really didn't matter who started in midfield.  For the third and fourth times in the tournament, the U.S. defense conceded a goal less than 15 minutes after kickoff.  That was okay once, and the Yanks got away with it twice.  Three times, though, make a nasty habit -- one the Americans have had since at least 2006.  Four times, as of the Gyan goal?  Time to book that flight back to O'Hare.

It's not too early for U.S. fans to look ahead to the 2014 Cup in Brazil.  Make no mistake:  the U.S. team performed well in South Africa, and it may have finally generated permanent interest here in soccer.  But there's definitely room for improvement:

• Coaching:  If someone can attribute the U.S. penchant for falling behind to someone other than Bob Bradley, I'd be thrilled to hear the argument.  Bradley's substitution patterns proved too cute for his own good, and that alone should seal his fate as head coach.  To be fair, though, he did take the team much further than I dared hope he would; and I couldn't imagine him staying on even had the U.S. won the whole thing.
• Strikers:  It would be nice if the Americans had one.  Because they didn't, scoring responsibility fell to midfielders Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey.  As a result, potentially decisive wins over Slovenia and Algeria turned into a draw and a narrow win.  The good news is that a few may be on the way.  The forwards we fielded this time are promising, but still inexperienced at the World Cup level.  If he can recover fully from his near-fatal car crash, Charlie Davis will provide a huge boost.
• Donovan and Dempsey were great, but they're both in their late twenties.  The campaign for Brazil '14 will be the fourth for both men.  The next U.S. coach will have to consider the possibility that one, the other or both will not make it to Brazil.  Benny Feilhaber, the American super-sub this time around, could replace one of them; but he'll need help.

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We're So Screwed: The miniseries

One of my favorite science fiction TV series is the Australian-American classic Farscape.  Over four entertaining seasons spread across the millennial break, it chronicled the exploits of Ben Crichton, an astronaut stranded thousands (if not millions) of light-years from Earth.  In a region of space dominated by mutually hostile states, he survived in coalition with local outcasts, all of whom reside in a living spaceship.  In the last season, Crichton found a way back to Earth, drawing the attention of his worst enemies.  They close in on him -- and galactic domination -- in a climactic, three-part episode called, "We're So Screwed."  Somehow, Crichton and his friends escape, but not before the villains win some important victories.

"We're So Screwed."  It could describe the modern United States (aquatic oil gusher, anyone?), or it could refer to just the Americans' just-concluded trip through the first round of the World Cup.  Consider:

• Against England, the Stars and Stripes conceded yet another early goal.  We Were So Screwed.  Only Robert Green's spectacular effort saved the Yanks' bacon:

• Lost in the commotion over the blown call that cost the U.S. a win over Slovenia was the fact that the Americans played such a disastrous first half.  The Slovenians went out to a 2-0 halftime lead, and again:  We Were So Screwed.  That draw was both a bitter disappointment and a minor miracle.
• Last night, the U.S. team showed up promptly against Algeria, but that wasn't counting for much.  The U.S. got most of the good shots, but nothing would go into the Algerian net.  With England leading Slovenia in the other group game, it appeared that the U.S. was headed for an early exit.

I'm watching this at home, so I had my remote set up to switch between the two matches.  At the 89-minute mark of the USA-Algeria match, I had little hope.

Click.  England and Slovenia wind down.  I watch the last minute, hoping the Slovenians would equalize.  Nothing.  We're So Screwed.


Click.  This is what showed up on my TV screen:

Milliseconds on one side of the final England whistle, Landon Donovan has scored the winning goal.  Like John Crichton and his friends escaping from the Skarrans, the Stars and Stripes had eluded doom for the third time in two weeks.  There was nothing left for me to do but jump and scream for joy across the living room.

Final score:  USA 1-0 Algeria.  The Yanks didn't just survive, they won their group for the first time since 1930.  Their reward?  A Saturday-night grudge match with a fully operational Ghana squad, last survivor of the six-team African contingent.

We're so screwed.

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The real source of those damned vuvuzelas

South Africa? Pshaw. Try Mordor.

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The Group of Noise

Vuvuzelas

ThunderStix

USC Trojan Marching Band

Mexican Waves

 

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Well, that crashed and burned quickly.

So Germany applied a big smackeroo to Australia, 4-0. The win didn't surprise me, but the margin did. More to the point, with star Tim Cahill out for a red-card offense, the Aussies' chances to advance sunk through the floor. If they want to succeed at something this month, maybe they should apply for Pac-10 membership.

In the meantime, that bracket I posted last Tuesday now lies in ruins. I had tipped the U.S. to reach the semifinals, but that assumed that the Yanks would win Group C and draw Australia in the round of 16. The Aussies are pretty much out, and with them go the American's most realistic hopes of even getting to the quarter-finals.

At this point, it's pointless to keep posting my picks until the first round has finished. Crazy things will happen, so I anticipate posting something about the Cup every day or two. Just not daily predictions.

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Cat Watches Cup, Day 2

Day 2 results:

• South Korea looked good, and Greece did not.  2-0 for Korea.  (Prediction: 0-0)
• Argentina surprised no one with the 1-0 win over Nigeria.  (Prediction: 2-1)
• The 1-1 draw between the U.S. and England is good for my ego.  For my brackets?  Not so much; I had England winning this one.
• Only one out of three picked correctly.  Ugh.

Day 3 predictions:

• Group C winds up with a big Slovenian win over Algeria.
• Ghana and Serbia finish level, 1-1, to start the Group D action.
• Australia turns out to have more issues than Germany, so the Socceroos lose, 2-1.

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(Okay, I give up.) The Cat Watches the Cup, part 1

Since the first day wasn't a disaster for the projections I made last time, I've decided to post after every day a game is played. The idea is to compare today's results to the prediction I made, then present my picks for tomorrow.

Day 1 predictions:  I picked South Africa and Mexico to draw, 1-1.  Uruguay was to embarrass France by 3-1.

Day 1 results:

• Bull's-eye on RSA-MEX: 1-1!  Rafael Marquez matched Siphiwe Tshabalala's opening goal to create the tie.  Neither side deserved to win, so the result is fair.
• France sucked almost as hard as I thought it would in its 0-0 draw.  The bad news is that no one played well enough tonight to win, and that includes Uruguay, too.
• Everyone in Group A has a point, with Bafana Bafana and El Tri ahead on total goals.
• My overall projection still rests on the Uruguay-South Africa match.

Day 2 predictions:

• South Korea meets Greece in the Group B opener -- and they promptly put me to sleep with a goalless draw.  Like I need help sleeping at 0630.
• In the other Group B match, Argentina opens with a 2-1 win over Nigeria.
• Group C opens with a 2-1 win by England over the U.S.  (John Oliver goes nuts.)

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Tuesday Football: The Cat's World Cup forecast

With less than three days before the first kickoff, it's time to tell you which national teams will succeed this month in South Africa, which ones will crash, and which one will win it all.

In a competition like this, which starts with eight qualifying pools, I find this Sherlock Holmes quotation useful:

How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?

Keep it in mind as I go through the groups.

Group A:  Uruguay is just average, South Africa is just awful, and France is just a mess.  That leaves Mexico, a team I smacked two weeks ago, to win the group in shockingly easy fashion.  The hosts will advance, too, thanks solely to the power of the mighty vuvuzela.  That's "mighty" as in, "That brass section that infests every Southern Cal football game is mighty annoying."  France and Uruguay will prove no match for the tens of thousands of vuvuzelas blowing on Bafana Bafana's behalf.

• Through:  Mexico, South Africa.  Out:  Uruguay, France (which doesn't even get a draw).

Group B:  It's possible that temper-prone Diego Maradona could coach Argentina out of the tournament, but at the group stage, it's not likely.  In the first place, the same could be said of Mexico's Javier Aguirre; more importantly, Barcelona star Lionel Messi won't let it happen.  The rest of the group looks pretty even, but I think Nigeria squeaks past its defense-oriented rivals.

• Through:  Argentina, Nigeria.  Out:  Greece, South Korea

Group C:  Back when the draw happened in December, I thought that England and the U.S. were the obvious choices to advance.  On further reflection, Slovenia may be tougher than I thought.  With those three sides beating each other up, the stage win will come down to who can most comprehensively blow out luckless Algeria.  That side might actually be the United States.  Shockingly, it's England that crashes out -- done in by Slovenia, not the U.S.

• Through:  United States, Slovenia.  Out:  England, Algeria

The other groups follow the fold.

Tuesday Football: Two quick impressions

Not loving el Tri's chances

Thanks to the Telemundo network, I caught most of the three friendly matches Mexico played in the U.S..  Well, I'm not impressed.  If the opponents were tougher, I wouldn't be so worried.  But scores of 0-0, 1-0 and 1-0 against Ecuador, Senegal and Angola?  If the Tricolores play like that next month, they'll crash out, hard, from Group A and the knockout stages.

Henry crossing over?

I'm not sure what to make of the reports that French national team striker Thierry Henry will leave Barcelona.  (Henry is pictured below and to the right, from his prime at Arsenal.)  If they're to be believed -- and Henry's word not -- he will be playing for the New York Red Bulls after the FIFA World Cup ends in July.  In that case, the soccer media will probably register him as just the latest aging star to "retire" to Major League Soccer.

The word "retirement" may be too strong for MLS:  it suggests that stars who come to the U.S. (and, increasingly, Canadian) league are at the end of their careers.  That was probably true when MLS started play in 1996, but the experiences of David Beckham and Cuauhtémoc Blanco in the last few years indicate otherwise.  Both men were past their prime when they started play for the Los Angeles Galaxy and Chicago Fire, respectively, but neither was at his end.  Blanco will be taking the field for Mexico in South Africa next month, while Beckham lasted almost long enough to play again for England.  If that holds form, and Henry does come Stateside, I expect that he'll have a couple of very good seasons in New York.

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Tuesday football (13/2009)

The FIFA World Cup isn't gridiron, but it is football, so I've changed the title for this week. Last Friday saw the draw for South Africa 2010, so I'll briefly comment on the three finalists I follow most closely.

	Don't cry for me, Argentina Brazil: The Seleçao ended up in the latest version of the Group of Death. They're in Group G with Portugal, Cote d'Ivoire and North Korea. Portugal has to be ticked after needing a playoff to make the field. Korea DPR probably isn't much good, but that was also true in 1966, when it beat Italy and nearly eliminated Portugal. Save your pity for Ivory Coast, which also fell into one of the two 2006 Groups of Death.
	Group of Cake: The other 2006 Group of Death included the United States, which promptly fell flat, managing only a bloody draw with Italy. This time, the Stars and Stripes could have hardly wished for an easier group. There's no telling how well Algeria and Slovenia will perform, as neither side has met any of its Group C opponents. That's about the only excuse either the US or England can offer for not advancing, though.
	¿Viva Aguirre?  When Mexico brought back coach Javier Aguirre to revive its flagging qualifying campaign, I thought it was a gimmick.  Surely the Tricolores would be stuck at home, and Mexican fans would spend South Africa 2010 complaining about this latest Yankee imperialist plot. It was close, but El Tri rallied its way into the field of 32.  Like their northern neighbors, the Mexicans are struggling.  If they weren't playing the opener against South Africa itself, I'd fancy their chances of getting through easily.  As it is, France should be a light favorite to advance, with Uruguay completing a competitive group A.

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Speaking of advancing to the next round:  In fantasy football, the object is to make fewer mistakes than your opponent.  Failing that, winning requires that your mistakes be less serious than his/hers.  For the second time in as many weeks, I faced an opponent who left his quarterback spot open.

This time, it mattered.

Wooden Shoes kept injured Matt Ryan in despite the facts that (a) the Falcons had declared him out all week and (b) he had two solid backups.  With Anquan Boldin, Maurice Jones-Drew and Cedric Benson, I'm sure he felt he didn't need a quarterback.


That Bill Belichick-like mistake cost Wooden Shoes his postseason.  I spent Sunday watching helplessly as first LeSean McCoy, then Greg Olson, then Brett Favre, then (finally) the Minnesota defense all crapped out.  Meanwhile, Boldin went for 98 receiving yards and two touchdowns.  Had he filled his QB spot, Wooden Shoes would have advanced, while at 6-7, my season point total would have been too low to qualify.

As it was, I led all day, though the Vikings' blunders reduced my lead to just 1.18 points at the two-minute warning.  Favre's last-minute touchdown drive didn't help the Vikings, but it did secure me a 70.1-60.7 win, a playoff spot and a final regular-season record of 7-6.  As for the Shoes, they're done, with too many losses and not enough points.

Are you listening, Smoking Popes, my quarterfinal foe?  Make sure you actually start a quarterback, because you're going to need one.  Actually, I'm not worried about this guy.  He showed good judgment last July when he married my niece; and not surprisingly, he's been the best decision maker in the league.  I'm going to have to match that just to stay with him.

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